I crave the closeness of others. In my heart of hearts there is a need to be surrounded by people. But I have such a difficult time opening up and bonding with them that it has made me into a cold and unlikable woman.
If I was skinny/beautiful I might be able to open up.. Is my dream but I know is also a lie.
I just cannot survive in public situations with strangers. I’m terrified of judgement. I’m terrified of embarrassment. I’m also convinced my unattractiveness is so apparent that people are repelled by me.. Or will be.
All of these combined fears have convinced me that I should just not try to be nice and open and friendly. That I should make myself invisible and disAppear as soon as possible.
Hence why I’m also alone. Why I haven’t made new friends in years. Why this cycle of depression is just getting worse. Why I make bad decisions and turn to people who’ve only hurt me in the past.. But who I feel comfortable with.
Putting this into words makes it real. Now.. To deal with it.