I crave the closeness of others. In my heart of hearts there is a need to be surrounded by people. But I have such a difficult time opening up and bonding with them that it has made me into a cold and unlikable woman.
If I was skinny/beautiful I might be able to open up.. Is my dream but I know is also a lie.
I just cannot survive in public situations with strangers. I’m terrified of judgement. I’m terrified of embarrassment. I’m also convinced my unattractiveness is so apparent that people are repelled by me.. Or will be.
All of these combined fears have convinced me that I should just not try to be nice and open and friendly. That I should make myself invisible and disAppear as soon as possible.
Hence why I’m also alone. Why I haven’t made new friends in years. Why this cycle of depression is just getting worse. Why I make bad decisions and turn to people who’ve only hurt me in the past.. But who I feel comfortable with.
Putting this into words makes it real. Now.. To deal with it.
Once upon a time church was my haven. Where I felt most at peace. Where I felt most comfortable. Where I felt at home. That’s because I was shielded from the inequalities and the hierarchies that controlled the particular institution I attended. Even though I grew up in church I always sensed something was not quite right. Some people would laugh, stare a certain way, smirk.. Something was always off..
Then I left and my whole world changed. Can I not get an education in peace? Apparently not.
Whenever I returned their looks said, “I wonder what you have been up to, I wonder where you have been, oh no wait, I don’t wonder, I KNOW, I KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE MESSED UP & ALL YOU HAVE DONE WRONG IS UNFORGIVABLE”. I tried fitting in once again but like a chewed up puzzle piece, I had lost my place in the picture.
I’ve tried for two entire years to deal with how horrible I feel in a place that used to be my one and only haven. I cannot deal with the hypocrisy, with the politics, with the bullshit any longer.
I leave, not with sadness for my loss of faith, or loss of hope in faith, but with sincere sadness that this all happened at the very place that is supposed to encourage me, to raise me up, to bring me closer to G-d. The very people that are supposed to mentor me have created in me a hardness towards organized religion that will take a very long to change.
“That’s why it’s love—it’s unconditional. Whether you commit a mistake or a hundred, I would still love you. They say the most romantic kind of love is the unfinished kind. The kind that will forever burn and mark your soul.”—Pamela Ann, Chasing Imperfection (via matsuokarin)
It amazes me every time I find misogynist websites/blogs/people. I forget that hating women is still a thing out there.. I went to college in a bubble of acceptance and wisdom it is easy to forget that the world isn’t as progressive as it seems in my head.
You’re going to hate hearing this. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so.
I… he can’t… my mind… *dies* Let’s just say he shot down every one of my excuses/ways of thinking about the world. I’m not saying I will adopt everything he says. I still find value in nurturing what’s inside.. but he’s just saying that it is not enough to think and feel like you are a wonderful person, that you must do something about it. CREATE.
I just realized my two favorite novels are The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and Fightclub by Chuck Palahniuk. I have serious problems to deal with when my two favorite books are as opposite as they can get.
Tyler teaches me that striving for perfection is pointless, that mostly everything is pointless. That one can never be complete. That there is a strong possibility that God might hate me and that it is better to be hated than to be ignored.
The shepherd dares me to dream and believe in the power of the universe. He tells me that the simplest things are the most extraordinary and I should live for these moments. I must search for this treasurer that will lead me on this journey that will be more valuable than any treasure I may find at the end.
One teaches me that losing all hope is freedom while the other teaches me that hope will lead me to freedom.
This is who I am. Two sides of the same coin fighting for dominance within me. There will always be a battle between the most negative and most positive aspects of my soul. I guess I just have to wait and see who wins.
I’ve been asked this before. Apparently there is a right and a wrong way to answer questions about who you are as a person. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. If I were to answer this question I would say something about how much I love literature. That I’m a feminist. That I just got a new kindle. But apparently here’s an exemplary answer to that question:
"I’m a seasoned Retail Manager strong in developing training programs and loss prevention techniques that have resulted in revenue savings of over $2.3Million for (employer’s name) during the past 11 years." (About.com)
It is especially appropriate if followed with the remark, "I’d like to discuss how I might be able to do something like that for you." UGH.
One of the tenets of my existence is Tyler Durden’s little schpeel minus the dancing crap bit, I am thinking a lot more positive about myself as of late:
"You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis…" (Fight Club)
I believe this wholeheartedly. I refuse to be defined by whatever conventions are out there. I am a complex individual (As much as Tyler says otherwise) and I cannot sum up my existence in 2-3 concrete sentences. If you want to know what I can do then just ask me.
That’s my other problem with job interviews. It’s such bullshit. Very little of what you are saying is honest. You are supposed to be selling yourself. Even if you know something to be false you should still say how great you are. I would love to have the right to be honest. If I were asked about my biggest flaw I my honest answer would be that I hate interacting with most people in most settings. It makes me extremely uncomfortable but I am a great faker. I can turn on my secretary voice and help you with whatever a client needs. The right answer to that question, however, would be something like, “I work too hard” or some other b.s.
I’ve tried being honest at job interviews, and that has obviously gotten me nowhere. I have been told repeatedly that I have to LIE. Except most people forget I am incapable of that. What’s a girl to do!
A conservative Christian college in Omaha expelled a student one semester before her graduation when they found out she was a lesbian — and then demanded she repay them for scholarship funds she had earned.
Grace University has refused to transfer Danielle Powell’s credits to another school unless she pays $6,300, the tuition from her spring semester in 2011, when administrators found out she was gay. Powell would have been the first in her family to earn a college degree.
Michael James, executive vice president at Grace University, justified the college’s actions to The Huffington Post,affirming that its student handbook forebade “sexually immoral behavior.” Quoting from the handbook, James stated:
“Any student involved in sexually immoral behavior, including premarital sex, adultery, and homosexual acts, is at minimum placed on University probation and may be subject to a Judiciary Hearing.”
Powell and her wife started a petition to get Grace University to drop its demands. (By the way, they’re the couple who got engaged onstage at a Macklemore concert — watch the video!) She deserves better than this. Help her out?
“being poor is liberating”—rich people who dumpster dive and thrift and then go home and watch netflix on their 50’ flat screen TVs on their 3000/month lofts with their neurologist parents (via meganxmas)
You miss me? Motherfucker. I miss you too. Everyday. Painfully. Life isn’t the same without you. But your pride won’t let me express just how much you mean to me. So silence you shall receive, until I deem it proper to let you into my soul just a tiny bit.
“A nuestra edad sabemos que nada es para siempre. Nos enamoramos pero sabemos que no será pasa siempre. Por eso nos arriesgamos, por eso nos entregamos hasta quedarnos vacíos.”—Alejandra Pizarnik (via kirasakurai)
Need to stop doubting me. Why do you assume everyone is after you in some weird underlying way? You are so fucking insecure that you make the rest of us—me— doubt our intentions. I have always loved and cared for you, but since thathappened you assume I’m on your dick all the time. Chill the fuck out. We have always been friends, even if whatever happened happened, it doesn’t mean we are no longer friends… at least that’s what I was going for.
Nothing I say is said with ulterior motives or intentions. TRUST ME. You don’t have to know how I feel to know that my intentions are sincere. I know you’ve been hurt but not everyone is after you. Not everyone wants something out of you. Some of us genuinely care for you and are going to stop doing so if you don’t stop assuming stupid shit.
Seriously? I can’t believe I considered dating you. How old are you that you need me to send you a picture? GTFO. I’m busy is the nice way of telling you to go fuck yourself and leave me alone. If you don’t get the hint then I guess I must be blunt and just tell it how it is. No I refuse to send you a naked pic.