I crave the closeness of others. In my heart of hearts there is a need to be surrounded by people. But I have such a difficult time opening up and bonding with them that it has made me into a cold and unlikable woman.
If I was skinny/beautiful I might be able to open up.. Is my dream but I know is also a lie.
I just cannot survive in public situations with strangers. I’m terrified of judgement. I’m terrified of embarrassment. I’m also convinced my unattractiveness is so apparent that people are repelled by me.. Or will be.
All of these combined fears have convinced me that I should just not try to be nice and open and friendly. That I should make myself invisible and disAppear as soon as possible.
Hence why I’m also alone. Why I haven’t made new friends in years. Why this cycle of depression is just getting worse. Why I make bad decisions and turn to people who’ve only hurt me in the past.. But who I feel comfortable with.
Putting this into words makes it real. Now.. To deal with it.
Once upon a time church was my haven. Where I felt most at peace. Where I felt most comfortable. Where I felt at home. That’s because I was shielded from the inequalities and the hierarchies that controlled the particular institution I attended. Even though I grew up in church I always sensed something was not quite right. Some people would laugh, stare a certain way, smirk.. Something was always off..
Then I left and my whole world changed. Can I not get an education in peace? Apparently not.
Whenever I returned their looks said, “I wonder what you have been up to, I wonder where you have been, oh no wait, I don’t wonder, I KNOW, I KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE MESSED UP & ALL YOU HAVE DONE WRONG IS UNFORGIVABLE”. I tried fitting in once again but like a chewed up puzzle piece, I had lost my place in the picture.
I’ve tried for two entire years to deal with how horrible I feel in a place that used to be my one and only haven. I cannot deal with the hypocrisy, with the politics, with the bullshit any longer.
I leave, not with sadness for my loss of faith, or loss of hope in faith, but with sincere sadness that this all happened at the very place that is supposed to encourage me, to raise me up, to bring me closer to G-d. The very people that are supposed to mentor me have created in me a hardness towards organized religion that will take a very long to change.
— Pamela Ann, Chasing Imperfection (via matsuokarin)
It amazes me every time I find misogynist websites/blogs/people. I forget that hating women is still a thing out there.. I went to college in a bubble of acceptance and wisdom it is easy to forget that the world isn’t as progressive as it seems in my head.